Today I turn 25. This is my story

I’ve had the wildest, most transformative 5 years. Like ever. And that may sound like an exaggeration and to some degree it is. But truly, my life is starkly different now than it was 5 years ago.

Today, I turn 25 and hitting this milestone is making me want to reflect. That’s not really out of the ordinary. Everyone gets a little pensive and thoughtful when they reach a new age. I do think, however, that my lived experience is anything but ordinary. And I finally feel ready to share some of this with you all.

If we’re connected on Twitter or BlueSky or if you’ve ever seen me give a talk or listened to a podcast I spoke on, you might know some basics about my background. I got into tech during the peak of the 2020 pandemic by learning how to code on my own (using courses and videos and the like) and networking my ass off. All of that is true. But there’s so much more to the story.

I got into tech at 19 without any degree to show for it. And to fully explain my story, I think that’s the best place to start. What was a 19 year old doing sitting in her room, taking Codecademy courses and asking professionals questions on Twitter instead of going to college? What was a 20 year old doing working at big and small companies alike, writing content, leading team meetings, instead of exploring a spritzy, well manicured college campus?

There are many reasons why people don’t go to college. I can only speak for myself and I can tell you that not attending college was almost entirely NOT my own decision. I grew up in a strict religion (some might consider it to be a cult but that is a conversation for a different time) and the particular religion I was part of specifically discourages children in the faith from going to college. It’s seen as corrupting. It’s taught that attending university will lead young people astray, lead them away from the faith.

I was fed that messaging since I was a baby. But I attended one of the best high schools in my city and performing well academically quickly became my focus. I took every AP and honors class that I possibly could (which, for those that don’t know, are advanced courses that only nerds take lol) and I was headed towards college without a doubt. I would receive mail from Ivy League colleges and try to hide it from my parents. I’d hide my report card from my parents since they showed all the AP classes I was taking, proof the college was absolutely in the cards for me. Teachers loved having me in their class and I was repeatedly told that I did some of the best writing they’d ever seen in their teaching careers.

I was not being nurtured or encouraged like this at home. Not one bit. So it was invigorating to receive this kind of praise. I finally could see big things in my future and my teachers tried their best to nurture that vision in me. In my sophomore year of high school however, my mom caught on.

She attended one of my parent teacher conferences for the first time ever since I’d started high school. And the entire time, every single one of my teachers gushed about me and how happy they were to teach me and nurture my natural born intelligence. My mom walked away telling me “They’re stroking your ego. They’re going to distract you and you’re going to go to college.” She said those words with so much disdain.

The result? I didn’t return to my high school the following fall to start my junior year. Instead, my parents homeschooled me. (More specifically they sent me to a cyber school.) I thought my life was over then. I fell into a deep depression and almost flunked out of school that year. I didn’t see a way out for myself anymore.

I used to have friends and I used to regularly hear praise and encouragement from teachers. Now, my space was filled with abuse and complete and utter lack of opportunity. I felt trapped. I felt like I had lost.

Because I was now completely cut off from my old life, I reached a point where I decided my best bet was to fully focus on pursuing the religion my parents so desperately wanted me to dedicate my life to. They had taken me out of school to do that so… that’s what I did. By the time I graduated from high school, I had made up my mind to become a missionary.

It’s wild to think about now especially since I have a lot of moral concerns about religious missionary work. But at the time, I believed it was the best way to help people and get out of my parents’ house. I was set to begin traveling in 2020. I had no idea how I was going to pay for said travel but I wanted to do it and I needed to do it to get out.

2020 begins and by March the whole world is shut down. My world is turned upside down once again and now, I was truly stuck. The whole world was told to quarantine and practice social distancing which is what my family and I did. This was genuinely my biggest nightmare: to be stuck inside in such an abusive home with no way out.

My sister who is five years younger than me was also being homeschooled at this point. I had already graduated and I could see that what happened to me was happening to her. And that disturbed me. I felt like I needed to do something to help her.

So while the world was falling apart, I decided to finally learn to code. I decided to forge my way into the tech industry. It was one of the few high paying careers I knew I could secure for myself without needing a degree. So I hit the ground running. I took every opportunity that came my way and said yes to almost everything.

I needed to get me and my sister out and this was the way. Higher education was a door that had been slammed in my face by my own parents. Missionary work, which my parents approved of, was off the table because of the pandemic. So this was it. This had to be it.

I had a slew of contract positions during the summer and fall of 2020 which helped me get my foot in the door. I stayed with my parents and stayed active in that religion until January of 2023. It was grueling to say the least.

I managed my career, created content, delivered virtual talks, cohosted the Stack Overflow Podcast, all while living in an insanely abusive home. In hindsight, I don’t know how I did it. Growing up that way warped my view of the world and I was raised to distrust anyone who wasn’t part of my religion. But here I was progressing in my career with the help of tons of strangers, people I was told were mean and cold hearted. Here I was getting, free advice and resources that were worth thousands from industry processionals who, according to the doctrine I was spoon fed since birth, should not have cared about me one single bit.

While I was isolated and stuck, joining the tech industry and establishing a strong community within that space saved me. It created a door that opened so many opportunities that I could’ve never imagined for myself. And I wasn’t going to hold myself back. I walked through that door and made a home for myself here.

Once I finally gained the strength and financial freedom to leave my parents and the religion, I quickly realized that more work was needed. I had to unravel all of the toxic behaviors and thought patterns that had become part of the fabric of my being. If you follow me on Twitter, you may remember various times where I talked about seeking mental health treatment. In my key note talk at All Things Open 2023, I talked about having to take medical leave to deal with my depression.

In late 2024, I had to do an intensive therapy program to help me navigate the intense PTSD I was experiencing due to my background. It was hard work. The past five years have been unbelievably hard. I’ve cried so much. I’ve cut contact with so many people. I’ve made so many impossible decisions.

And today? Today, I live in a house with my loving partner and my cat, Pecan. Today, my younger sister lives with me too. Today is her first day taking summer classes at our local Community College. Today, I work at Figma doing the things I enjoy most. Today, I haven’t heard from my parents and I likely never will after deciding to leave all that behind. But today, I am 25 and I feel like I have finally reached the top of the hill. I finally have made my way out. And I can only be thankful to every single person who has helped me along the way. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Of course, there is more to this story. But I think this is a fitting starting point. I’m so grateful to be where I’m at today and to have the platform and ability to share my story with you. Thank you for reading!!